I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
