Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
