just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
