Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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