you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
