why didn't you poke me back
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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