I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
