why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
