so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
