so explain again why im purple
no
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
