I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Randomize