i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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