Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
