it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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