I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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