So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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