My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
