He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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