he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I could make wine with my vomit
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
he's gonorrhea incarnate
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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