When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
