im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Randomize
