he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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