I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Randomize
