Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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