Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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