I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
