My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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