Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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