remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
