I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
