The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize