It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
where are you?
Hypothermia
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
