the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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