I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
