Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
