A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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