My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
