i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
