my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
