wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
