I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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