My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Randomize
