everyone is single if you try hard enough
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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