i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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