Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
We were destined to go to rehab together
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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