You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Randomize
