Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
