that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
