you have to choose: penises or morals?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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