ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
