Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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