I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
