Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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