We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
