I'm sorry my penis didn't work
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
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