I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
FUCK WHALES
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
