Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
