There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
