I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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