I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Randomize