My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize