fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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