he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
