You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
